Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. 
Fault: Glass empty. 
Remedy: Find someone to buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet. 
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
Remedy: Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 
Fault: Loss of self control. 
Remedy: Go stand next to the nearest dog – after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.

Symptom: Bar moving 
Fault: You are being carried out. 
Remedy: Find if you are being taken to another pub – if not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar swaying. 
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high, maybe due to a darts match in progress. 
Remedy: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: You wake up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You can not see your bedroom walls or ceiling. 
Fault: You have spent the night in a gutter. 
Remedy: Check your watch to see if it is opening time – if not, treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light strip across it. 
Fault: You have fallen over backwards. 
Remedy: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put – if not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 
Fault: The pub is closing. 
Remedy: Panic!

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every single subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT and, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that every attractive female fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger KNOWING that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLETPROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing with. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of people you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of loosing the battle becuase you are SMART, RICH and you are BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU . You dance on the table to impress the people you fancy because the rest of the people in the room can not see you. You are also invisible to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you. Also, because you are still SMART you know all of the words.