Melbourne University Water Polo Drinker’s Fault-Finding Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet.
Fault: Mouth not open while drinking, or glass being applied to the wrong part of face.
Remedy: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty.
Remedy: Find someone to buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Remedy: Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self control.
Remedy: Go stand next to the nearest dog – after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.
Symptom: Bar moving
Fault: You are being carried out.
Remedy: Find if you are being taken to another pub – if not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high, maybe due to a darts match in progress.
Remedy: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: You wake up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You can not see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in a gutter.
Remedy: Check your watch to see if it is opening time – if not, treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Remedy: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put – if not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Remedy: Panic!
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